It Came

 

Blood mixes with water

As I say goodbye to my daughter

Or son

I'll never know 

As your life was too young.

 

Nature over took

My body 

And

Mind was not over matter,

It was a matter of my womb

Reigning over all

 

I felt like an animal.

 

Possessed by urges and openings,

And when I was ready to stop

My body continued

Forces straining to keep harmony

 

Endurance became a pretense

Following to a desperate plea

For it all to stop.

Labour usually delivers a baby

Not for me

 

Just an ending

To the contents 

Of my 9 weeks 

Of hope.

 

Covered in my own blood

The life blood 

That might have carried you through

 

I loved you

Small sac and growing 

Tissue

 

I saw you alive

I saw you not

I will hold my own

You will not be forgot

 

For this motherhood thing

Cannot be separate

From myself

 

We grow with our blood

Full of passion and life.

I cannot pass you away

And be the same as yesterday

 

I suspect I am stronger

Bigger somehow

Three miscarriages on

I'm getting used to it now

 

But this one hurt

Much more than the others 

The odds were on our side

To create sisters or brothers

For our beautiful boy

Whom my womb grew perfect.

 

Yes I know I am blessed

And its nature taking its course

And I'm so lucky

Blah blah blah.

 

Don't tell me my grief

Or try to order my feelings

I will decide when hope will return

I will decide when that yearning will burn 

Out or explode or disappear 

It might be a day

It might be a year.

This is all mine

And I am already fine.

 

As nature calms down in my body

And my mind returns to its civilised capability

I know there are forces

Greater than my thinking. 

Not a God for me

But I was taken over beyond this strange 

Idea of human reality.

 

Are we sitting idle

In our comfort?

Unaware of the fires that burn

And control?

 

Oh beautiful thinking 

How easy it is to be just with you

When the soil and the blood and the atoms control 

Whenever they want to.